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posted by admin on Aug 26

For anyone who has ever played a Japanese RPG comes the epic, epic Turn Based Battle. Did I mention it’s epic?

Absolutely hilarious if you grew up playing Squaresoft RPG’s or Dragon Warrior. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, well, it probably won’t be that funny. You kind of had to be there.

Also, does this post mean I will start writing on here with something approaching regularity again? The answer of course is no. And by no, I mean yes because that’s the truth and the truth will set you free. So now every time I don’t post I am imprisoning you. Maybe making blanket statements about high-minded concepts like the truth is a stupid thing to do. Speaking of stupid things I should probably wrap this up.

Actually, the other day I was walking down the sidewalk and I overheard a girl on her cellphone saying, “Well, really there is no such thing as the truth.” That seems a pretty scary, haphazard philosophy where words have no meaning and saying “Strawberries are racist” and “Strawberries are delicious” has equal validity. I think she should reevaluate her statement especially since it logically voids it’s own meaning. I have lost all respect for girl-whose-cellphone-conversation-I-overheard. That’s probably too many hyphens.

I’m in a weird mood. Do people become adults any more?

posted by admin on Aug 4

Just returned from the grocery store where inadvertently I made some very poor decisions for my night. Because they were on sale (and things I wanted/needed) I bought a 12-pack of Tecate (bottles b/c I’m a classy dude), a giant bag of chips and two bottles of Gatorade.

The road I’m on features jersey walls on both sides, all the exits are closed and ends with me accomplishing nothing tomorrow until lunch time.

On a related note, Lemon-Lime Gatorade (or G as the kids call it these days) is green not yellow. If you think it’s yellow there’s a scene from Roots I’d like to reenact with you.

Speaking of race, after Comedy Central put some Birther nutjobs on the air last night I went down the internet rabbit hole of people who think Obama wasn’t born in this country, they call themselves Birthers in what must have seemed a good idea at the time. The amount of collective delusion the internet allows is simply stunning and a much smarter person then myself will some day explain what it means for society. For now it is simply frightening. But not as frightening as someone concocting an elaborate, decade long conspiracy involving hundreds of people they don’t know to be eligible for the presidency and pulling it all off, apparently. I guess what I’m saying is if someone could pull that off, well, not a bad choice to fix the country.

I’d give you some more non-sequiturs but there’s some beer that needs drinking and Wii Sports Resort three-point contests don’t shoot themselves.

posted by admin on Feb 19

Word comes out from Pepsi that corn’s domination (in the form of high fructose corn syrup) of the soft drink industry has an old challenger.

I think this means that we, as a society, have jumped the proverbial shark.

I am all about cutting out the HFCS but maybe, just maybe, the answer is to stop drinking soda like it’s an every meal beverage and return to treating soda like a treat, a snack, a dessert. But that would be quitting and American’s don’t quit! We do, however, drink heart disease-giving, farm-killing crap for fifty years! What’s that in the background? Oh, just the national anthem playing through a drive thru speaker box.

posted by Mike on Oct 27

I spent the weekend in Charlotte at a good friend’s wedding and came away with several thoughts. Most importantly NEVER have a wedding in a place with shoddy public transportation. If you must, please provide a detailed schedule of events to all drinkers so we can start sobering up before driving back to the hotel for more drinking. Or rent some fucking vans. Seriously, would that be so hard? 

Anyway, here are some unintentional things I love about weddings followed by a few ideas no one will ever follow.

1) The Bride’s Father - Nothing is funnier then watching the facial expressions of the Bride’s Father. You know for years he’s deluded himself into believing in his daughter’s innocence but now, well, in his mind that bedroom will have more violations then a Kelvin Sampson coached team. But at what point does he start worrying about the quality of the sex? You know he has to. Who wants their daughter dealing with a One-Pump Chump for the rest of their lives? What if the groom has the world’s smallest dick? Does that mean his grandson’s are doomed to small-dickdom? No amount of denial will ever convince me a father does not think about these things on his daughters wedding day. At the end of the day he’s still a guy and all guys think about weird shit like this.

2) Apathetic hotel security guards who keep asking you to quiet down but obviously would much rather join the party. If you can convince one to join the party the wedding receives +1,000,000 points.

3) The look on the face of the first person to accidentally drop an F-bomb in the church.

4) The one bridesmaid who insists on walking Muhammad Ali slow down the aisle. And the awkward groomsman accompanying her.

Super Awesome Wedding Tips

1) Do not have a religious service. I don’t care how deeply religion runs your life it’s really god damn creepy for anyone not part of your religion. This weekend the Priest/Minister/Pastor/Whatever urged the bride and groom to bring Jesus into their home. Thanks, asshole. Now all I can think about is the bride and groom going at it while John Turturro from The Big Lebowski sits in the corner watching. I don’t need that.

2) Have three separate receptions. One for old people who want to sit and reflect upon their squandered youth. One for the overly emotionally people. One for the assholes who only showed up for the free booze. Everyone would have much, much more fun

3) If you ask one of the bridesmaids to spend the night with you do NOT ask her boyfriend to be responsible for picking up the bride in the morning. I cannot even fathom how my girlfriend agreed to trust me with this. Not only did she ask me after I’d been drinking but she then sent me off with friends I hadn’t seen in four years to drink more. It’s a miracle I didn’t screw up the wedding. Fortunately, every now and then I behave like an adult because if I hadn’t the cops wouldn’t have found anything identifiable in the remains.

4) No weddings from September 1st through December 1st. Between football and the baseball playoffs anything in those three months is unacceptable. The groom this past weekend is a huge Phillies fan. Right now he’s in Italy missing what might be the only professional Philadelphia sports championship in his life. I’d rather get Syphilis from my bride on our wedding night then miss the Dodgers win the World Series. (Fun fact: I would also perform oral sex on every male in the Verizon Center during a Georgetown basketball game provided they were wearing condoms and it meant Wake Forest won either a football or basketball national championship. Talk about taking one for the team.)

posted by Mike on Jun 9

Step 1: Obtain bottle of Arm & Hammer Scrub Free Bathroom Cleaner

Please note where it claims its proficiency at removing soap scum.

Step 2: Find dirty shower

Step 3: Apply Arm & Hammer Scrub Free Bathroom Cleaner. Note the patented Oxy foaming action!

Step 4: Nothing god damn happens. 

What a waste of money! It doesn’t remove soap scum and it isn’t even particularly lemon scented. I guess you get 25% more but that’s like getting 25% extra kick in the junk, who wants that?

So, yeah, don’t buy Arm & Hammer Bathroom Cleaner. Unless you explicitly don’t want your bathroom to get clean but then I don’t know why you’re in the market for bathroom cleaners in the first place.

On a happier note, here’s the lion that lives in my shower.

Some might call that a little opulent but to those people I say, stop begging me for change outside 7-11, all I want is some god damn juice and you have to make me feel all guilty about that.

posted by Mike on Jun 9

Was there a good reason for the NBA Finals to tip-off at 9:05 last night? I can accept these late starts during the week because the west coast would like to watch the games as well but on Sunday? What the hell is the point of that? What audience is demanding basketball past midnight on Sunday night?

It’d also be slightly more tolerable if these playoff games weren’t god damn commercial fests stretching the games to ungodly lengths. I’ve seen quicker NFL games then that shit last night.

I went to a sports bar to watch the game with a friend. It seemed like a nice social activity to engage in. Apparently not. The game tipped off and the bartender walked over to inform us it was last call. Why? Because it’s fucking Sunday at 9:15, that’s why. The game ended so late I had to crash on my friends couch because the god damn Metro stopped running. Fuck you, NBA and fuck your stupid ass scheduling.