Archive for May, 2008

posted by admin on May 29

I fly out in a few hours and jumped online to check out the amenities on my flight. Aside from the two opportunities at free peanuts the airline will be playing a movie. And what movie you ask? Mother fucking Seabiscuit.

Five-fucking-years old Seabiscuit. There’ll be people on the plane who weren’t even alive when it came out. I knew the airlines were strapped for cash but shit, you can do a little better then that. On yay! Spiderman rides a horse and saves America from the great depression! Everyone’s seen Seabiscuit like 8 fucking times, you might as well show Forrest Gump.

Thank god for NyQuil.

posted by admin on May 28

I’ll be away again this weekend. This time heading to Vegas for a bachelor party. All of this traveling and partying is starting to give an inflated image of my life.

My flight leaves DC tomorrow at 8 pm and I’ll be back Monday 7 am. I assume there will be no sleeping during that in between time period. Monumental trip as it’s my first time in Vegas and will likely be my first time at a strip club. My Mom happens to be in Vegas this weekend as well, so yeah, I’ve got that going for me.

The strip club thing. I’ve never had any desire to go. Earlier in life, I’ll be honest, there were some nerves about getting a huge erection in public. It seemed likely as every other time I’d seen boobs in person my John’s Hopkins would grow like the Grinch’s heart. But I think I’m past that point or past the point of caring about being embarrassed in public at the very least. Now it’s something different. Something about a strip club rings false to me. The experience seems to amount to paying someone to like you. I don’t find that intriguing nor simply the prospect of tits; if I wanted to see tits I’m pretty sure I could hook that up. This also may be why I generally refuse to pay cover charges in DC: your bar’s next to a fucking pizza place, get over yourself.

What does intrigue me is our societies concept of context. This weekend I spoke with my parents and girlfriend about the likelihood of women taking their clothes off for my amusement happening in the near future. Nary an eyelash was batted. For a large chunk of my life this group of people has had a strong influence over my boob supply. Obviously, my parents is a slightly more intangible, cultural influence but the conversation still remains slightly surreal. Where’s the line here? If I went to a strip club by myself would that elicit a reaction? Why? I don’t really have any answers but I do feel this is symptomatic of our societies hypocritical attitude towards sex.

Anyway, I’m interested what I make of the experience.

I’ll be back Monday with a recap of the Vegas weekend, I’m pretty damn excited! With any luck it’ll live up to Chevy Chase’s Vegas Vacation!

posted by admin on May 26

Sunday afternoon, while puking in the Baltimore airport, I was reflecting upon the weekend spent at my sister’s wedding. It was awesome. I had a blast and my dwindling potential inheritance took a big hit in the name of a good cause. The weekend wasn’t all fun and games though, I learned some important facts of life during my stay in Hendersonville, TN.

1 - An integral part of any white person dancing is the lower lip bite. Not only symbolizing concentration and dedication the lower lip bite displays the upper row of teeth and the evidence of expensive orthodontic work. Extra points if your eyes are closes while you get down as well.

2 - Being single at a wedding is preferable to the alternative. This is not about hooking up with bridesmaids but about not being asked every 15 minutes when you are getting married. How greedy are you people? You’re at a wedding right now! How soon do you need another?

3 - The Celtics can win on the road.

4 - The Nashville airport has a store where you can play Wii Sports. I didn’t play but, you know, it’s nice to have the option.

5 - I’m 70% sure my family was shocked I did nothing grossly embarrassing (or embarrassingly gross, for that matter). This reputation is wonderful since behaving like a semi-normal human being earns you serious points. Sunday morning I was speaking with the grooms Mom and I started to get these intense urges to say something offensive. I may have a mental disorder.

6 - Cow flesh continues to be fucking delicious.

7 - When you spend three nights in a place and the Papa Johns guy knows your name you’re probably a pain in the ass.

And finally…

8 - My sister is probably not a virgin.

Also…

9 - This list is probably not as funny as I thought it would be.

posted by admin on May 26

Editors Note: Comments section now contains spoilers.

Much like you good reader having to wait four days without any posts from me, Indiana Jones fans have waited nineteen years for their heroes return. Was it worth the wait? Should they have bothered? Have the destroyed Indy’s legacy?

Maybe, yes, no.

The movie has several problems but considering the state of the modern adventure movie (i.e. National Treasure) the return of Henry Jones Jr. is a fun ride that may not live up to our memories but accepts this and simply asks you to consider it on it’s own terms.

Raiders and Last Crusade are undeniably great films. Crystal Skull is not. Like Temple of Doom the plot device (i.e. Arc of the Covenant, Holy Grail, Sankara Stones) lacks the Judeo-Christian mythology that grounds the stronger entries in the franchise for the Western audience. This primarily manifests itself in dialogue problems. The writer does his best to build the story around familiar myths (or truths depending on your opinion) such as El Dorado and Roswell, NM but when the goal is returning a big, crystal skull to the Amazon and thus gain mystical power you require an American audience to suspend it’s disbelief significantly more then with the Holy Grail (or Arc of the Covenant). This gets to be a problem during certain action segments as suspension of disbelief is pushed to theoretical limits.

Other than Cate Blanchett (and possibly Shia Lebouf but that’s due to his characters skepticism) the actors struggle to make the search sound believable as they seem to pull lost languages and ancient myths out of thin air to push the plot forward. The first half of the film Ford and Lebouf seemed unsure of themselves but once they get into the jungle a rhythm is established and the actors clearly feel much more comfortable.

The opening of the film involves a group of teenagers joy riding and engaging an army jeep in a race. One can feel Spielberg flat-out slapping the audience in the face. Twenty years have passed, the world has changed. The movie was made for teenagers, people who weren’t alive when the Last Crusade opened in theaters. Forget everything you’ve seen before because if you remember Raiders of the Lost Arc releasing in theaters you’re too damn old for this movie. Basically, don’t bring in your expectations of living up to the old films, this is all about fun and anyone approaching the film differently refuses to engage it on it’s own terms.

And the film is fun. Jeep chases, sword fights, giant ants, giant snake, and some Commie bastards. Sure, you’ll occasionally find the action unbelievable (it is) but if you’re willing to accept that it’s also cool as hell and thematically appropriate for the 1950’s and the cheesy sci-fi movies that inspire the plot.

Initially, I though the opening was pretty weak and nonsensical but now I get it. Indiana Jones does something that literally and blatantly defies all laws of physics. Spielberg is setting the rules for this universe. Science laws are not harsh but bendable and sometimes breakable by the characters, particularly the titular one.

I’m interested to hear other impressions. I know the movie has been, generally, received well critically and very warmly received commercially but it is a mixed bag and I feel some people just won’t be able to stomach the changes. I enjoyed the film, I’ll probably buy the DVD and was very happy I saw it in the theater with friends, as that’s exactly the way it’s meant to be seen.

On a separate note, why does every guy in his 20’s hate Shia Lebouf? I know I did, but all I can really fault him for is starring in a Rear Window rip-off and Transformers. I’ve hated people for less but realistically it’s pretty silly. He’s a fine actor and seems like a nice enough guy from what I hear. So Shia Lebouf, international movie star, I apologize for anything insulting I may have said/written/implied about you. Also, I recently learned his name, in a combination of Hebrew and French, means ‘Praise God for Beef’. How can I not like this guy?!

posted by admin on May 22

I’ve been a little under the weather of late hence the lack of long posts (which I’m sure many of you have found a welcome change). My universe has consisted of my bed, drugs and movies for the past few days. Aside from the drugs that’s really not much of a change. Tonight I’ll be heading to Nashville for my sister’s wedding and likely without internet access for the weekend. Somehow you’ll survive without my commentary on the world for a few days.

Hopefully, I’ll be back Monday with an Indy 4 review. From what I’ve read expect Temple of Doom quality. Some negative reviews seem to forget how cheesy, tongue-in-cheek the first three movies were.

Okey dokey, Dr. Jones! Hold on to your potatoes!

posted by admin on May 20

The single greatest invention of our time.

Pictured here.

Off to drink a 6-pack and fly to Belgium.

posted by admin on May 20

Somehow my stumbling through the internet led me to this:

Every time I want to make fun of it some glorious archival footage from the 70’s cuts in and sweeps my heart up in Orioles Magic! The Orioles are now my 5th favorite team. But they can never touch the Dodgers. And for good reason:

posted by admin on May 19

I’m g-chatting a friend of mine with a status of: Bizzay. That’s the technical term for the little red dot next to people’s names in your g-chat window. Underneath our conversation it now displays “(Friend) is busy. You may be interrupting.” This constitutes the most delicious form of online interaction; the ability to force people to patiently tolerate you without leaving the house. This succulent treat of asshole-dom has transformed my existence. Forcing a helpless friend (or foe) into a conversation they explicitly did not want to have is clearly power gleaned from some ancient God. But this is Google we’re talking about, digital incivility is the least of their dark powers.

The friend also suggested I drop the /wordpress from my site name. I said, “Start your own fucking blog.” To which he deftly replied, “Fuck you I already have.”*

Check it out here: http://www.beernutgallery.com

*Portions of this conversation may not have occured

posted by admin on May 16

This morning I caught Prince Caspian, the new Chronicles of Narnia film, and ever since I’ve had that god damn “Lazy Sunday” song stuck in my head. I might go insane.

Anyway, the movie.

Decent. I think that best sums it up in one word. But you probably want a little more then that.

Solid, fun action although some of the dramatic scenes make little sense in terms of the action. It’s a problem in the fantasy genre in general but why do heroes refuse to kill their arch-rival in one-on-one combat to retain their honor but then slaughter hundreds of nameless soldiers? Just never made sense to me.

The movie conservatively follows recent fantasy conventions allowing it to never be terrible but never reach the greatness of the movies that have come before it. Notably, Lord of the Rings will be calling shenanigans during several scenes.

In general the editing and writing is very unsure of itself. The movie never knows when to let the characters breath instead action scenes follow intense dramatic scenes with no rhyme or reason other then to lead to the inevitable climatic battle. More development of the title character would greatly improve the pacing.

That’s not to say the movie isn’t without it’s charms. The visuals and effects are brilliant. One shot of Susan, bow drawn, standing alone in the woods with soldiers pursuing her evokes a haunting presence as sunlight cuts through the tree tops. Simply beautiful. The final twenty-five minutes pound forward with appropriate danger and last second rescues.

If you’re a fan of the genre, or the first movie, definitely worth checking out in theatre. Otherwise, wait for the DVD.

Wow

posted by admin on May 15

Don’t forget your kids birthday.

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