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posted by Mike on Oct 30

First things first, did anyone see Greg Popovich’s beard last night? Good gravy that was a thing of beauty! There’s no reason for the Spurs to lose that game with that beard coaching (aside from Ginobli sitting on the bench in his stylish Euro-cut suit). Popovich looks like he spent the off-season playing Grizzly Man in Alaska. I still can’t find a picture from last night but I will keep looking.

Anyway, for the first time in years I’m pretty excited for the NBA to start and I think it’s because some rivalries are finally starting to develop. The past ten years the quality of play dipped and has slowly been building back up and this year I think the NBA is back. The Celtics, Lakers, Pistons, Spurs, Suns, Jazz, Hornets, Rockets and Mavs all have real NBA teams i.e. not one guy dropping 33 a night on 39% shooting as a tool for selling jersey’s. A number of other teams (Heat, Bulls, Blazers…) also look on the brink of playing quality basketball. The improvement is probably due to an influx of quality PG’s but don’t discount Mike D’Antoni’s benching of Marbury either. With Stephon “Black Hole” Marbury riding the pine the NBA takes a giant leap forward in quality.

And the rivalries are coming. There’s still nothing like the Knicks-Heat rivalry (and their may never be) but the regular season is finally interesting again. The match-up I find most intriguing is Celtics-Cavs. The primary reason: Lebron hates the Celtics. How could he not? Lebron single-handedly carries Cleveland every night and makes them a contender. It has to eat him up that the Celtics went out and got two All-Stars to compliment the one All-Star already on the team while Cleveland did nothing. How does this not drive him insane every time he walks on the court and looks at the two line-ups? And people wonder why he wants to leave for NYC.

posted by Mike on Oct 29

I realize in my haste I left a few important details about the wedding. Namely, that it was awesome. I saw a ton of friends I hadn’t spoken to since graduation and everyone seemed to be doing really well, half of them seemed to be engaged to really cool people. 

The ceremony lasted 40 minutes. Knowing this going in I was dreading it but it actually moved along quite briskly and very much focused on the bride and groom. Initially I thought I’d gone sentimental watching my two friends up on the alter but I happened to be sitting next to one of the most cynical, unsentimental people in the world and he agreed the ceremony was quite nice and never felt like it dragged (unlike many other ceremonies). It was also hot as hell in the church (irony?). Is this a requirement for weddings? It seems to be.

I felt a little guilty about the reception since apparently every choice they made was to ensure my happiness. First the bartender pours me one of my many free Longboard Lager’s of the night. I love this beer but have never had it on tap. It was a life affirming experience. Next the appetizers were various meats on a stick. Which, you know, hey, meat on a stick, can’t go wrong with that. It’s easy, it’s portable, it’s delicious. I didn’t think it could get better until the buffet featured almost every animal I could imagine wanting. It was like I had wandered into a place, sat down with the menu and when they waiter came over I said, “Screw it! Bring me everything!”. This is not hyperbole, I can’t imagine what else I would have wanted (Maybe some chicken nuggets but this was a classy establishment). I felt like the fat guy in The Meaning of Life.

I think the highlight of the night for me was when my girlfriend and I pretty much were the only people on the floor dancing while they played Hall ‘n Oates “Maneater”. Rest assured there was singing while we danced. I think I’ve finally discovered what my place is at weddings, though. My girlfriend loves to dance but I’m not a huge fan. Considering the rest of the year she has to watch every sporting event I want to this is a pretty good trade off (except during the NBA Playoffs, I think they last way, way too long I can’t imagine how long it must feel when you just don’t care). So this means I’m out on the dance floor at wedding receptions. I have little rhythm, no dance moves and a rigid stick up my ass so I do not look smooth out there. But this weekend I figured out that’s okay, that’s my job. I go out there so ever other guy in place sees me and says, “Shit, I’ve got to be better then that.” and ventures out to the dance floor which equals a better wedding for everyone. Yes, I actually do rationalize the world in such a solipsistic way. 

I am still bitter though. In life there aren’t many times when you know you could do something great and I know I could have given a kick ass toast at this wedding. Now in the interest of full disclosure I probably round out the second dozen on the list of people who could have given a toast at the wedding but I promise that mine would have easily been in the top three in terms of quality. I will always be bitter about this. Not towards the bride and groom but at life for being such a bitch. 

On the plus side, I didn’t have to follow the groom’s father. That was a toast that brought the room down. Half the guys in the crowd were teary eyed by the end and most of the girls were wrecked. I take some solace knowing my toast could only have been second best. But I’m still bitter.

posted by Mike on Oct 27

I spent the weekend in Charlotte at a good friend’s wedding and came away with several thoughts. Most importantly NEVER have a wedding in a place with shoddy public transportation. If you must, please provide a detailed schedule of events to all drinkers so we can start sobering up before driving back to the hotel for more drinking. Or rent some fucking vans. Seriously, would that be so hard? 

Anyway, here are some unintentional things I love about weddings followed by a few ideas no one will ever follow.

1) The Bride’s Father - Nothing is funnier then watching the facial expressions of the Bride’s Father. You know for years he’s deluded himself into believing in his daughter’s innocence but now, well, in his mind that bedroom will have more violations then a Kelvin Sampson coached team. But at what point does he start worrying about the quality of the sex? You know he has to. Who wants their daughter dealing with a One-Pump Chump for the rest of their lives? What if the groom has the world’s smallest dick? Does that mean his grandson’s are doomed to small-dickdom? No amount of denial will ever convince me a father does not think about these things on his daughters wedding day. At the end of the day he’s still a guy and all guys think about weird shit like this.

2) Apathetic hotel security guards who keep asking you to quiet down but obviously would much rather join the party. If you can convince one to join the party the wedding receives +1,000,000 points.

3) The look on the face of the first person to accidentally drop an F-bomb in the church.

4) The one bridesmaid who insists on walking Muhammad Ali slow down the aisle. And the awkward groomsman accompanying her.

Super Awesome Wedding Tips

1) Do not have a religious service. I don’t care how deeply religion runs your life it’s really god damn creepy for anyone not part of your religion. This weekend the Priest/Minister/Pastor/Whatever urged the bride and groom to bring Jesus into their home. Thanks, asshole. Now all I can think about is the bride and groom going at it while John Turturro from The Big Lebowski sits in the corner watching. I don’t need that.

2) Have three separate receptions. One for old people who want to sit and reflect upon their squandered youth. One for the overly emotionally people. One for the assholes who only showed up for the free booze. Everyone would have much, much more fun

3) If you ask one of the bridesmaids to spend the night with you do NOT ask her boyfriend to be responsible for picking up the bride in the morning. I cannot even fathom how my girlfriend agreed to trust me with this. Not only did she ask me after I’d been drinking but she then sent me off with friends I hadn’t seen in four years to drink more. It’s a miracle I didn’t screw up the wedding. Fortunately, every now and then I behave like an adult because if I hadn’t the cops wouldn’t have found anything identifiable in the remains.

4) No weddings from September 1st through December 1st. Between football and the baseball playoffs anything in those three months is unacceptable. The groom this past weekend is a huge Phillies fan. Right now he’s in Italy missing what might be the only professional Philadelphia sports championship in his life. I’d rather get Syphilis from my bride on our wedding night then miss the Dodgers win the World Series. (Fun fact: I would also perform oral sex on every male in the Verizon Center during a Georgetown basketball game provided they were wearing condoms and it meant Wake Forest won either a football or basketball national championship. Talk about taking one for the team.)

posted by admin on Oct 21

The fall video game deluge swings into full effect the next couple weeks with Bioshock, Fallout 3, Little Big Planet, Fable 2, Wii Music and a ridiculous many more. I’m already way behind on what I want to play (thankfully they delayed LBP due to some verses from the Koran somehow making it into the game, you can’t make this shit up) but the past month I have had some video game time suck. Notably Tiger Woods 09 and Star Wars: The Force Unleashed.

Tiger Woods is good but like all EA games has some notably flaws they’ll fix for next years version (while adding a few new ones, of course!). The real gem is The Force Unleashed.

The controls and camera are a little spotty at times but when you’re swinging a light saber and shooting lightning from your hands I’m more then willing to meet you halfway. But the story is unbelievable.

The plot and characters make the prequels look, well, like video game plot lines. You play as Darth Vader’s secret Sith assistant. Yes, you will bow down to Darth Vader and call him master. This is awesome. The game picks up with Darth hunting Jedi’s after Episode III but before the rebel alliance has formed in Episode IV. As a child Vader kills your family but decides to train you secretly too one day overthrow the Emperor. That’s the first level. I won’t spoil the story but considering the universe now has 3 Sith one can safely assume copious amounts of double-crossing will occur. Even better the game explains how the rebel alliance formed with beautiful foreshadowing of the Emperor creating his own downfall.

If you like video games and you like Star Wars I can’t recommend this game enough. The story is cool as hell, the boss battles are all epic Jedi/Sith showdowns, and you can throw your lightsaber killing enemies as you run up to them. I cannot over emphasize how incredible this is. Picture a group of enemies in the distance. They see you coming and fire a few blaster shots that you easily knock away with your lightsaber. The shooting pauses long enough for you to sidearm your lightsaber into the throat of one assailant only to have the lightsaber return to you just in time to unleash a fury into the remaining fighters.

Better yet picture it from the other side. You’re on patrol with two other guards when you suddenly see this crazy sword-wielding dude in a cloak running towards you. You fire a few ineffective shots when the guy throws his fucking sword through the neck of your friend only to have the sword return right back to him. He then chops off the head of your other friend before setting his murderous gave upon you. Yes, you did just shit your pants. What else can you do?

Take your protein pills and put your helmet on.

posted by admin on Oct 20

posted by admin on Oct 6

The new “TV On The Radio” album will rock your socks off. Literally. I am sitting here with no socks on due to rocking. I also have no shirt and no pants on but that is unrelated to “TV On The Radio’s” level of rocking.

You probably didn’t need to know that.

Anyway, here is a weird, low-quality video from the first single.

Also, The Red Hot Chillipepper’s song “Higher Ground” is a cover of a Stevie Wonder song. Why the hell didn’t you tell me this? I’ve been walking around like a jackass for years thinking some dude with a sock on his wang wrote that song. That’s just great.

Where were you on that one, dipshit?

posted by Mike on Oct 1

Who lives in the east ‘neath the willow tree
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Who explains sexual harassment to you and me
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Don’t say that don’t touch there
Don’t be nasty says the silly bear
He’s come to tell you what’s right and wrong
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