posted by admin on Aug 28
Archive for August, 2009
posted by admin on Aug 26
For anyone who has ever played a Japanese RPG comes the epic, epic Turn Based Battle. Did I mention it’s epic?
Absolutely hilarious if you grew up playing Squaresoft RPG’s or Dragon Warrior. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, well, it probably won’t be that funny. You kind of had to be there.
Also, does this post mean I will start writing on here with something approaching regularity again? The answer of course is no. And by no, I mean yes because that’s the truth and the truth will set you free. So now every time I don’t post I am imprisoning you. Maybe making blanket statements about high-minded concepts like the truth is a stupid thing to do. Speaking of stupid things I should probably wrap this up.
Actually, the other day I was walking down the sidewalk and I overheard a girl on her cellphone saying, “Well, really there is no such thing as the truth.” That seems a pretty scary, haphazard philosophy where words have no meaning and saying “Strawberries are racist” and “Strawberries are delicious” has equal validity. I think she should reevaluate her statement especially since it logically voids it’s own meaning. I have lost all respect for girl-whose-cellphone-conversation-I-overheard. That’s probably too many hyphens.
I’m in a weird mood. Do people become adults any more?
posted by admin on Aug 13
For good reason Rex Reed’s review of Funny People is setting the internet on fire. The pure hatred he spews is simply stunning but is also very unsubstantiated within the review. The movie is uneven, I enjoyed it but found it to be a drama with stand-up comedy making for an odd mix. An interesting step for Apatow (and Sandler). I guess Rex Reed doesn’t like dick jokes, let’s break down some the insane things he says.
I’d like to tell you how vile this deviation from sanity called Funny People really is, but it is one of those rare times when I am at a loss for words.
Really? Already, I can’t trust your opinion because what you say you are incapable of doing is exactly what you do for the next several hundred words.
The script is as amusing as infanticide, and two and a half hours of any single aspect of it is a torture that is unacceptable even by hopeless 21st-century standards.
Rex Reed’s Scale Of Amusement: Infanticide/Funny People Script —- Staring At A Wall —– Riding A Roller-coaster While Getting A Blow Job While Watching Citizen Kane While Not In The 21st Century
Mr. Sandler, who by contract should be legally prevented from ever appearing in a bathing suit
Adam Sandler - not sexually attractive enough to Rex Reed to ever appear in a bathing suit no matter the scene or movie. I must have missed that day of film school when they taught us which actors could were bathing suits and still have that movie be good. An excellent criteria for judging a film.
Mr. Rogen is Ira Wright, a wannabe disaster with a filing cabinet full of jokes about toilet activities and oral intercourse who gets selected to be his protégé. They meet cute in the comedy club’s parking lot.
A wannabe disaster? Also, the filing cabinet full of blow job jokes makes him sound like a pretty funny guy. And that final sentence? Is a cute a noun? Is this how Rex Reed indicates sarcasm when he writes? What does this mean?!
In no time, the green novice is running errands for the seasoned jokester and providing one-liners about diarrhea, masturbation, flatulence, fellatio and talking genitals, to the horror of his jealous roommate (Jason Schwartzman).
Once again, making him sound pretty funny. Also, roommate not horrified but enjoys the jokes. Also, also, jealous roommate not played by Schwartzman but by Jonah Hill. But I guess you were too busy making sure to hate the movie to get your facts right for a review.
And green novice? A little redundant.
Between batteries of blood tests and treatments, we get routines guaranteed to bore a kindergarten at recess.
I’m not sure if ‘chances of entertaining a kindergarten’ should factor into your review on an R-rated movie.
For no logical reason, George and Ira pack off for hundreds of miles to the house in Marin County where Laura lives
Regardless of quality that is an insane statement to make. George specifically schedules a show in San Francisco as an excuse to see Laura. On the surface the trip is made for George’s job. George actually makes the trip to see Laura who he is in love with. How is that confusing? This is so explicitly explained in the movie I am beginning to wonder if you watched the whole thing.
Eric Bana, who has seen better roles (and films) elsewhere.
Finally, a good argument. This is one of the worst movies ever made because Eric Bana, an accomplished actor playing a minor role, has had better roles and been in better movies. He’s also been in Hulk (the bad one), Troy, and that god awful poker movie with Drew Barrymore. But by all means this will clearly be the low point of his career.
There is nothing cute or cool or liberating about almost two and a half hours of X-rated excreta by criminally unfunny people feigning to be pros.
I’m not sure about the relevancy of the first part. Does Rex Reed think Funny People deserved an X-rating? He does seem to think if you can’t make him laugh you deserve to be in jail which seems 100% fair to me. And “unfunny people feigning to be pros”? No matter how funny you think these people are or are not they meet ever imaginable criteria for being a professional comedian. That’s like saying “Rex Reed is feigning at being a professional film critic” because I didn’t like his review. That statement is insane because it disregards the meaning of words and the overwhelming reality that Rex Reed is a well-known film critic who is paid to write his thoughts about film, the generally accepted method of judging professionalism.
There are many legitimate complaints about this movie but continuously writing I hate this movie and I hate the people in it and I have always and will always hate them is not a very good review.
I also realize I stole this technique from FireJoeMorgan.com. I don’t really care.
posted by admin on Aug 4
Just returned from the grocery store where inadvertently I made some very poor decisions for my night. Because they were on sale (and things I wanted/needed) I bought a 12-pack of Tecate (bottles b/c I’m a classy dude), a giant bag of chips and two bottles of Gatorade.
The road I’m on features jersey walls on both sides, all the exits are closed and ends with me accomplishing nothing tomorrow until lunch time.
On a related note, Lemon-Lime Gatorade (or G as the kids call it these days) is green not yellow. If you think it’s yellow there’s a scene from Roots I’d like to reenact with you.
Speaking of race, after Comedy Central put some Birther nutjobs on the air last night I went down the internet rabbit hole of people who think Obama wasn’t born in this country, they call themselves Birthers in what must have seemed a good idea at the time. The amount of collective delusion the internet allows is simply stunning and a much smarter person then myself will some day explain what it means for society. For now it is simply frightening. But not as frightening as someone concocting an elaborate, decade long conspiracy involving hundreds of people they don’t know to be eligible for the presidency and pulling it all off, apparently. I guess what I’m saying is if someone could pull that off, well, not a bad choice to fix the country.
I’d give you some more non-sequiturs but there’s some beer that needs drinking and Wii Sports Resort three-point contests don’t shoot themselves.
